Your relationship isn’t what it should be. You know it. Your friends know it. Chances are your partner feels the same way. The joy is fading. You find yourself searching for “couple therapists Toronto.” You may even be wondering if it’s too late for couples’ therapy.
The following is a list of nine red flags, from mildest to most severe, that suggest your relationship could benefit from professional intervention by a qualified, experienced couples’ therapist.
Lack of Positive Engagement
If you think of how many times you and your partner interact during as day, how many times do you or your partner express sincere interest in what the other is saying? Or is it a whole lot of “Uh-huh” and “Hmm” as you both barely look up from your devices?
Outright Negativity
Perhaps you used to tease each other affectionately, but over time more and more of your communication is criticizing, putting each other down, and reacting defensively. These habits are hard to reverse, but a couple therapist can serve as your coach.
Ambushing
We now live in a world characterized by immediate gratification. Most of us have carried this into our relationships, expecting our partners to hear and respond to our concerns or complaints whenever we feel the need to air them. When this happens, the receiver almost immediately turns defensive. Do you or your partner tend to “cold start” on important issues?
Retreating
Both men and women can feel attacked. There is some evidence to suggest that men get emotionally overwhelmed more easily than women, but this doesn’t align with cultural demands that men be “strong.” If one or both of you typically withdraws whenever things get serious, a therapist can help you set some ground rules for difficult conversations.
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Sexual Dysfunction
If your sex-life has fizzled out, this could be due to a number of different causes. Work stress, parenting, and aging all demand renegotiation of sexual expectations. A sex-informed couples’ therapist can guide you through a process of safely exploring your fantasies, establishing boundaries, and rekindle your erotic attraction.
Entrenched Inequality
If your relationship involves co-habiting, there’s a certain amount of work that has to be done. Who looks after the finances? Who does the grocery shopping? Who does the cooking, the cleaning, and household maintenance? Who handles the social calendar? Are these arrangements permanent or temporary? If you or your partner feels that they put most of the day-to-day effort into the household, it’s unlikely that your relationship is sustainable without some deliberate restructuring.
Unspoken Agreements
Perhaps you believe that as long as you contribute more to the household income, you’re entitled to spend more on your personal needs. Your partner may be fine with this—or are they? Perhaps you once had a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy when it comes to sexual encounters on solo vacations or business trips—are you both still okay with this? Perhaps you believed that as years went by you would begin to spend more and more time together—but are you really on the same page? It sometimes takes a third party, like a couples’ therapist to recognize and name those assumptions.
Lack of Admiration
A purely transactional relationship is not built to last. If your relationship is based on both of you getting your needs met, you can be pretty sure that at some point that won’t be the case, and one or both of you will conclude the relationship is over. By contrast, a long-lasting relationship is based on mutual admiration: two people who are willing to devote time and energy to their partner’s fulfilment. This way your partner’s success is your success, and your success is your partner’s success. This kind of synergy enables you both to get more out of the relationship than you’re putting in. If you realize that you don’t deeply admire your partner, you want to ask how many more years you want to devote to your relationship.
Lack of Commitment
Committing to a relationship is an act of faith, a choice to live as if you and your partner can build a beautiful life together. Despite what dating apps imply, “compatibility” is not nearly as important as commitment. Both of you are living, growing, evolving people: five years from now you will be different from who you are now, and your current sense of compatibility will be different as well. Committing to one another offers you both the foundation of safety that makes personal growth possible. All relationships have limitations: you can’t repeatedly abuse your partner, for instance, and still expect your relationship to endure. But if your relationship has either or both of you walking on eggshells, wondering when it’s all going to crumble, a couple’s therapist may be helpful for you to end things sanely and safely.
The good news is that there are couples’ therapists in Toronto that can help. Most offer a free consultation so you can find someone that you both feel comfortable with. If you are in a relationship and you are seeing any of these red flags, it’s time to reach out. You both deserve this.