Someone you love has ADHD. They’ve been through a rigorous ADHD assessment and received a diagnosis. And you want to help. In truth, you may see yourself as having helped already, over and over and over…!
I have good news. The key to helping your loved one living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is more in the way you think than in the effort you put in. What follows are key things to keep in mind about living with someone else’s ADHD. Sure, what you think will change what you do, but let’s focus for now on how to think about ADHD.
ADHD is Hereditary.
ADHD is an inherited neurological difference shared by around 1 in 20 people. It runs in families. It is no more something chosen or indulged in than skin colour, height, or number of toes. It would be easy to write off ADHD symptoms as learned behavior (“You’re acting just like your father”), but if your loved one has ADHD, it is likely that at least someone in the previous generation was ADHD as well.
ADHD is not a lifestyle choice. Although there are some positives to having ADHD (see below), most people with ADHD would trade their ADHD brains for a more “ordinary” brain if they could. Some thinkers believe that back in hunter-gatherer days having at least a couple of people with the characteristics of ADHD kept a tribe safe by staying alert to predators. Prior to the last ice age, people with ADHD might have been valued for their distractibility; it’s only in our safer, modern world that ADHD feels problematic. With ADHD being both widely discussed and often misunderstood, it’s crucial to understanding of how ADHD condition impacts individuals and their lives.
ADHD is Permanent.
Your loved one’s ADHD is not going away. It’s the way they are. ADHD therapy and ADHD medication management can lessen the differences between an ADHD brain and a non-ADHD brain and help them live more comfortably in a world that asks extended concentration from us, often on mundane tasks. But nothing “cures” ADHD. If a person with ADHD is having trouble implementing strategies, they need support and encouragement, not shaming.
And don’t forget yourself. There are some challenges to living with a son or daughter or wife or husband or brother or sister with ADHD. You may find yourself sometimes frustrated or even exasperated. You’re only human. Blaming and shaming yourself for not being perfectly patient or understanding won’t help anything, least of all your loved one. Loving someone with ADHD is a lifelong choice, and a brave one. Try to celebrate your successes more than your failures!
ADHD is Quirky.
ADHD is liable to affect every part of your loved one’s life—and then again, maybe not. The core of ADHD is having a brain that requires more stimulation than a normal brain. For those with an inattentive presentation, this usually means having trouble focusing and drifting away in search of novel thoughts, perhaps in the middle of important conversations! For those with a hyperactive presentation, this usually means jumping in with behaviors designed to spice things up, perhaps in ways not universally appreciated! For those with a combined presentation, it’s some from column A and some from column B.
However, if someone with ADHD finds something inherent stimulating, they can exert a supercharged hyperfocus. People with ADHD are often those who can read an entire book (or two) in a single day or go on binges of productivity unknown to most mortals. People with ADHD often don’t monitor the passing of time in the same way as the rest of us and, ironically, become fascinated with efficiency. Just as each person with ADHD is unique, so the way that ADHD affects them will necessarily be unique. If your loved one has ADHD, they may exhibit some ADHD symptoms more than others, and some not at all.
ADHD is Not a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card.
Generally speaking, people do not do their best when relieved of all responsibility. And, generally speaking, most people know that. Believe that your loved one with ADHD genuinely wants to live responsibly, but they find it harder to follow through on their intentions and commitments than most people. You can support your loved one by accepting that they will need some structural supports to stay organized, to meet deadlines, and to stay focused. This will include various things from day planners to ADHD medication management.
You can also support your loved one with ADHD by appreciating that it is frustrating for them to live in a world designed and shaped by non-ADHD people. Missed deadlines, relationship challenges, and struggles in school or the workplace all heap on the shame, leading to anxiety, depression, and problems with self-esteem. Your loved one may be putting on a brave face, but most people with ADHD are working harder than the rest of us—even when it appears they aren’t! Your loved one may need help from a therapist who is trained and experienced working with people with ADHD.
The Good News: Help is Here.
One of the best ways to help your loved one with ADHD is to invite expert help. Finding the Right Psychotherapist in Toronto is now easy. ADHD therapy is available in person in Toronto and by telehealth throughout Ontario. Your loved one may need expert coaching, since at the end of the day skill power goes further than willpower. That said, your love and support will be the most important factor in your loved living their best life.